Life As I Know It

Tonight I was walking back from my car and there were two guys behind me.  Now, normally this would not be a big deal BUT it was 2:30am in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, Wittenberg is a super safe campus but still it’s best to be aware. They were not behind me for long and eventually turned off in a different direction but the following happened during both times (when they were behind me and not). I found that as I was heading back I heard a voice in the back of my head, not like I hear the voices kind of voice, more of my stream of consciousness. Telling me to be careful, to keep aware of my surroundings (which involved me looking around and checking blind spots), walk tall so no one messes with you, and the classic key lacing in my hand. This was a strength that was not my own, it was one taught to me, a courage that I could handle whoever was about to mess with me, despite never being in a fistfight or having any formal self defense training. I had already planned out in my head how I would defend myself. I realized, as I gripped the cold metal of the keys that I was embodying a fictional character. Specifically Eona.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly don’t think I’m Eona nor do I have special dragon esque abilities. My point was that she had taught me to be strong, to be prepared for whatever was coming for me, along with many other characters that have taught me different aspects. When I think of kindness it is Lucy Darnay from a Tale of Two Cities and passion I think Clary Fray from City of Bones.When I want people to see my true worth, and rise above what they expect I think of Jane Eyre. At moments which require sharp wit and charm I turn to Elizabeth Bennett (this also counts for stubbornness). When I am running through the woods, or practicing sneaking up on people, or really just feeling incredibly BA, I channel Katniss Everdeen. 

I know how weird this all sounds but for me it’s just another day in my head. Some might wonder where the literature begins and whether or not it has an end, or if, that’s not really me being myself or rather I am simply mimicking those characters before me. But, that’s where I know something that they do not. These characters are a part of me, they showed me important life lessons, taught me to be strong and helped to make me who I am today. No, I do not think I am Katniss Everdeen literally but there are certain aspects of her that I embody. And I am so grateful that I have such wonderful teachers to look to for guidance.

Sometimes I wonder if my nickname should be Planetes. This year in astronomy I learned that it means wanderer. Seriously, what is the matter with me? I have a great life. My family rules, my friends are amazing, and I have a boyfriend that I really really like and I know he is crazy about me too. Honestly, why is it that I get these ridiculously restless moments? There is nothing for me to really complain about in my life. I mean yes, everyone has their passing issues but that’s nothing. Sometimes, I feel like something is wrong with me, that I’m just way too selfish or have just lost it. People out somewhere in the world would kill for my life, I go to a great college and have never been without the essentials. 

It’s just from time to time I get these phases, where I just want something more. As though I need to get out and break free of this college in itself and find what will really quench my dying thirst for adventure. The last time I was off the continent I’d been 3 or 4 years old and since then I feel like I’ve somehow outgrown the surroundings that I love.  That’s why I need study abroad so much, it is driving me up a wall. I can feel my skin start to itch with anticipation when I think about it. 

I need this adventure. I thirst for it. 

Personally I am so glad that things are winding down. I feel like these past few weeks have just been a whole stressful mess, admittedly I haven’t been the direct victim of the stress but watching people I care about go through things is hard for me. It seems that all my friends around me are going through something or another and here I am just making it through. I feel as though sometimes I’m just an onlooker in my life, watching the scenes play out. Though, as those around me heal I seem to follow suit. I have really got to stop letting things that happen to my friends affect me so dearly. I feel guilty because I haven’t moved much outside my comfort circle in the past few weeks, some of my friends outside my immediate circle have been a little more than neglected. BUT that will be fixed shortly. However, they have been so patient and supportive anyway, being there for me when I get to see them and messaging me kind words. It seems that those who care about me do not expect more than I can give :) and I am so blessed for that. 

The past few weeks in Kappa Delta have been exciting ones :) I finally get a little! This is something I’ve been looking forward to all year. Admittedly I still feel like I’m not old enough to be a big but I’m learning to adjust to that. My big—Gretchen has been such an amazing friend to me, she is always there for me and I cannot even express how much I am going to miss her when she graduates this year. I just hope that I am as good of a friend and mentor to my little as Gretchen was/is to me. I swear I got so excited for my little that I spent WAYY too much money on little gifts haha I just want her to know she’s loved even before she knows I’m her big. Another thing in my sorority is that my sisters completely support my faith (we have an in sorority bible study), I love that we are a Christian based organization and we all support each other. I mean, given that not everyone in the house is Christian, which is quite all right. I believe everyone has their own right to believe in whatever they want, (though for me Jesus is the only way). The girls in Kappa Delta are so amazing and down to earth, it makes me feel very grounded in my morals and beliefs. I have not lost myself to my sorority, I choose to be so involved with it because honestly, I love it. The people, the events, the fun, it’s all part of me. And I know that it is not an all encompassing organization, my friends outside of the sorority are the sweetest people ever—sorority wasn’t for them which is fine :) but they are still supportive of my involvement because they see how happy it makes me. That’s another part of who I am.  It is like how sports can become a part of a person, like volleyball is to me. They are all pieces of myself that create who I am. Honestly, I am proud to represent an organization that brings people together in such a great way, I have learned from the differences of my KD sisters. I’m not saying it is a perfect situation all the time, yes, there are definitely hard times when I get frustrated with issues KD is facing or how people are acting but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My boyfriend Nick, is truly an amazing guy, he is another part of my life that keeps me grounded in my faith. A constant reminder that I need to put God first in my life, which I admit sometimes I forget to do. Overall Nick is just an amazing person, his integrity and responsibility are very attractive to me, and him being in Greek Life as well is just a fun coincidence. He has remained true to himself from the time he joined in the fall to now. Nothing has changed about him, he is still a goof who I am crazy about. And, he is still my Nick :)

I look forward to the days to come full of adventure and friendship and I don’t intend to waste any of it.

I wish that I understood myself better. This new relationship is a lot different from others. Admittedly we haven’t even reached the 2 month mark but I miss him and his quirks so much over this break. It’s hard for me to express myself or really explain to others the amount that I miss him. And frankly I don’t like to show it to other people. If I’m being honest there isn’t a moment that I’m not thinking about what he is doing and wishing he was with me. I feel so odd with this and I also sometimes feel like I cannot tell others cause I don’t know…. it just feels like they won’t understand or they’ve been through it so they almost don’t care. When I’m missing someone I don’t want to hear “it’ll be ok” or “well once so and so and I went through that way back when….” i just want someone to get it but they don’t. so i’ll keep smiling and just keep it secret.